let me reverse engineer your bad ideas

by Mark Reiley

Can’t stop smiling as this slightly smelly elderly gentleman in a mustang cap and fatigues rants and raves through his crumpled newspaper about the news of the day to his beleaguered, scraggly-faced wife. Here are a few highlights that came out of his mouth: 

* Hamburgers make him “fart like a freight train.” 
* Marshmallows are highly overrated as a snack. 
* We should kill “that Korean sonuvabitch” Kim Jong Un before it’s too late. 
* The cable cars in San Francisco are to be avoided because they are prone to accidents. 
* He would absolutely vote for Hillary Clinton because she “knows her stuff.” 
* Comedian Paul Rodriguez is really funny, “much better than that Cheech and Chong.” 
* There’s nothing of interest in the Kohl’s advertisement. 

Wise words from a wise sage, 
even if his mustache looks like a dead ferret doing the splits over his mouth.

Oh great, Ron Weasley has been using my laptop again.

Oh great, Ron Weasley has been using my laptop again.

Chris Christie Denies Responsibility for Denver Broncos Loss

(East Rutherford, NJ) Embattled New Jersey governor Chris Christie has denied any culpability in the latest scandal to hit his state- the complete inability of the Denver Broncos to put points on the board.

“I had absolutely nothing to do with the traffic jam at the line of scrimmage that caused Peyton Manning to be held to only eight points in four quarters,” said a defiant Christie.

Christie went on to claim that neither he nor his staff colluded with the Seattle Seahawks defense to cause the total lack of forward movement by the Broncos for the entire four hours of the Super Bowl. “It was all their own doing, I was at White Castle the entire time,” said Christie.

In related news, Denver sports fans claim their state has gone to pot.

2014 Viral Videos: A Guesstimate

A projected list of online videos I imagine will become viral sensations in 2014 (arranged by number of hits):

  • Collection of hilarious Vines from a drunk and naked Henry Kissinger. (2 million hits)

  • Baby laughs at sunglasses placed on a dog’s butt. (4.5 million hits)

  • Heinekin commercial where Jim Belushi breastfeeds a wolverine. (6.3 million hits)

  • Scandalous video of Selena Gomez sniffing coke off Jack Nicholson’s ass. (8.4 million hits)

  • William Shatner and George Takai in a sexy, homoerotic Star Trek parody entitled “Bones.” (9.2 million hits)

  • Circle K surveillance footage of Jimmy Fallon murdering a hobo in cold blood. (12.8 million hits)

  • Inspiring footage of 3-year old Burmese breakdancing prodigy gettin’ down at a Pinkberry to the song “I Touch Myself.” (13.6 million hits)

  • Jimmy Kimmel’s hidden-video gag “Grandmas Lapdancing at Costco.” (22.9 million hits)

  • Bon Iver twerks a visibly aroused Justin Bieber at Coachella. (33.4 million hits)

  • Debut music video from the German comedy duo Sveltercocken entitled “Humping in Clown Shoes.” (78.5 million hits)

  • The Mary-Kate Olsen/Oliver Sarkozy sex tape. (105 million hits)

  • A super cute kitten and a super cute puppy licking each other’s super cute crotches. (190 million hits)

  • Baby elephant farts on a monkey. (236.2 million hits)

Additionally, there will be video compilations of various people doing their versions of the following online crazes:

  • The Slicknick: Running up to a bald man, licking the top of his head, running away.

  • Wumpernaut: Large groups of people synchronize smash bananas on their foreheads at different locations.

  • The Billingsley Jigglefest: Everyone does a silly dance to Skrillex while wearing Ralphie’s pink bunny outfit from “A Christmas Story.”

  • Dwerping: Headbutting someone’s ass while they’re twerking. 

  • Splanking: Being spanked by a fat guy while suspending oneself across two dwarves.

Current Event-Themed Halloween Costume Ideas

Need your opinion:

Here are my ideas for a current event-themed Halloween costume. Because doing a current event mashup/pun based outfit is always a great idea, right? It never backfires or exposes the wearer as a fiend, prick, jerk, or generally awful human being. And so far as I can tell, none of these are in bad taste in the slightest:

* 50 Shades of Gay. Dressed in an outfit made up of 50 greyscale pictures of prominent gay celebrities.

* Drone Bomb. Drone wired above from hat, dropping copies of After Earth on my head.

* Edward Snowden Cullen. Sexy vampire whistleblower sucking up secrets of the NSA.

* Miley Cyrus the Virus. A twerking version of John Malkovich’s character from the movie Con Air.

* Wikileaks. Julian Assange white wig, t-shirt that says “Classified Intelligence”, and a novelty size faucet protruding from my crotch rigged to gush liquid whenever you turn the knob.

* Zombie Paula Deen. “Deen of the Dead” - Chubby zombie in kitchen apron, smeared in cake batter; staggers around moaning the N-word.

* George ZimmerManslaughter. Use your imagination.

Which one should I go as this year? I’m a grown adult who still dresses up for a children’s holiday. I can’t wait!

Apple Unveils Cheaper Versions of Other Products

Along with the announcement of the iPhone 5C, a less expensive version of the iconic iPhone, Apple also announced reduced-priced, affordable versions of some of their other well-known products that may or may not make the corpse of Steve Jobs roll his eyes and sigh from the grave:

Apple TV Lite. Identical to the original Apple TV, except it will only play episodes of 2 Broke Girls. Can only be powered by the tears of the impoverished Chinese workers who manufactured it. $79

iMac N’ Cheese. An iMac with a base carved entirely out of Manchego cheese, with a quad core 3.4 GHz i7 Ricotta processor, and 1TB SSFD (solid state feta drive). $1099

iPod Bad Touch. A limited version of the classic 16GB mp3 player and portable computing device rewired to warn you when a Catholic priest is within a 50 yard radius. The 3.7V 800mAh Li-ion Polymer battery can be recharged via reciting 10 Hail Marys and/or 5 Our Fathers. $189

Macbook Airhead: An old 1989 Macintosh Portable taken out to the back lawn of Apple’s Cupertino headquarters, sloppily spray-painted silver, and sold at a price point $200 cheaper to fans of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. $799

GarageBand - Midlife Crisis. Geared towards Baby Boomers who are just now waking up to the fact that their dreams have been crushed by divorce, a soul-sucking job, and two mortgages, this pared down version of the original GarageBand software will help any delusional middle-aged asshole realize their dream of making shitty music using canned samples just like the children who hate their guts. Comes preloaded with samples of the same three chords you played to impress Sheila at that party in 1973, the cowbell sound from Blue Oyster Cult, and twenty-four variable clips of a grown man sobbing quietly to himself. $49

iPod Nanu Nanu. The same lightweight, portable mp3 player with a 2.5-inch (diagonal) multi-touch display and built-in fm radio you’ve grown to love through the years, only sewn completely from the luscious body hair of Robin Williams. $119

iPad Mini Mini. A miniature version of the popular mini version of the iPad, it looks, acts, and performs exactly like an iPhone in every, way, shape, form and manner. But it’s not an iPhone, we swear. Just trust us, it’s totally different. You can take your three iPads, your two iPhones, your iPad Mini, and shove them up your ass and still have room for the iPad Mini Mini- so buy one, you dipshit. $239

Commonly Used English Words American’s May Not Know

Here are some English words commonly used in Britain that Americans may not know: 

* Knobblits: The tiny hairs on a woman’s third nipple. 
* Scramp: An orphan used for fuel. 
* Thatchering: Sucking the soul out of a dog through a straw.
* Gildenshire: A mythical land of milk and scrotums
* Tinklybins: Magical treats found hidden inside a fat man’s belly button.

Republicans Accuse Hurricane of Liberal Bias

English: Hurricane Isaac

Republican leaders are up in arms over the impending onslaught of Hurricane Isaac, accusing the Category 1 storm of liberal bias.

“It’s obvious where the political loyalties of this hurricane lie,” said GOP spokesman Sean Spicer. “Isaac knows what he’s doing. He didn’t choose to blow through Occupy Wall Street, did he? What more proof do you need?”

The effect of the storm’s liberal bias has already been felt by supporters of the Republican National Convention, as organizers were forced to cancel the first day’s slate of speakers. “It’s going to be a challenge,” said South Carolina delegate Charlotte Higgins, “But I’m confident we’ll be able to cram four days worth of woman-hating and immigrant bashing into three.”

Conservative commentators and bloggers have critized Hurricane Isaac for the well-worn liberal tactic of allowing the government to be used to actually help Americans during a time of crisis. They also point to Isaac’s close relationship with his sister Katrina, who has a well-documented history of trying to make Republicans look incompetent.

Traditionally, religious conservatives like Pat Robertson have claimed hurricanes were God’s punishment for liberal transgressions. But Hurricane Isaac seems to have turned the tables. “I just don’t understand why God set His vengeance upon us, when no more than half of the Republican delegation are closeted gays,” said Robertson.

One Romney advisor said he feared Isaac’s far left-wing antics would ensure news coverage was about efforts to evacuate and rescue Americans instead of more pressing issues, like giving millionaires tax cuts. ”Some latte-sipping, socialist hurricane thinks it can come down here to Florida and kill a bunch of old retirees?,” said the advisor. “I don’t think so. That’s what Paul Ryan’s Medicare plan is for.”

In other weather news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie tried to body surf during his convention speech, causing a minor earthquake that measured 3.4 on the Richter scale.

Hate is Enough: The Westboro Baptist Church Reality Show

Shirley Phelps-Roper

Wednesdays at 9/8 C on TLC.

It’s the all-American family you love to hate! Our friends at the Westboro Baptist Church are having another tumultuous and exciting year full of intrigue, controversy,  flag-burning and fag-hating. Tune in weekly to see your favorite family members fight, squabble, protest and hate themselves towards a prime seat next to the right hand of God in heaven.  It’s an all new season of adventures of Fred Phelps and his righteous clan of Abominators! Watch every Wednesday at 9 p.m. eastern as these Christian soldiers put the Big in Bigot.

It’s the WBC, only on TLC!

Season 2 Synopses

Episode 1: “Spellcheck For the Lord.” Due to a scheduling snafu, Fred has to decide between protesting Representative Barney Frank’s dinner party the funeral for Marvin Hamlish. Back at home, Shirley scolds her grandchildren for several spelling mishaps during their poster party, and has to decide what to do with a bunch of signs that say “God Hates Nags.”

Episode 2: “Glory, Glory Hole-lelujah.” The Phelps crew heads to Arlington Cemetery to protest God’s hatred of America for its tolerance of the homosexual agenda. After the family stops at 7-11 for Super Big Gulps of Mountain Dew: Code Red, it’s a race to the finish line. Will the family be able to hold in their pee long enough to urinate on the graves of soldiers, or be forced to use the facilities at a rest stop notorious for gay hookups?

Episode 3: “Hail Mary, Full of Rape.” When Timothy chooses a player that went to Notre Dame for his fantasy football team, the family must decide whether celebrate his success in the league or condemn him for supporting pedophile rapists. Margie walks in on her husband Brent in the middle of a hot and heavy hate-session with her sister Shirley. Will Margie forgive her husband for hating fags with another woman?

Episode 4: “I’m Qaeda In Love With You.” Rachel brings home her new boyfriend and the family embarrasses her by condemning him to hell for having frosted tips. Betty gets into an online flame war with Al Qaeda leader Ayman al Zawahiri over who hates America the most, and their shared revulsion secretly blossoms into a torrid internet love affair. The family cat goes missing.

Episode 5: “Guess Who’s Hating to Dinner?” Jonathon and Paulette hold a dinner party that goes terribly awry when one of the surprise guests turns out to be Richard Simmons. Margie deals with the realities of menopause by blaming the Jews. The family gets surprising resistance from their float proposal for the local Gay Pride parade, and a family member gets excommunicated from the church after a Lady Gaga CD is found under his bed. Richard Simmons guest stars.

Episode 6: “Fire and the Brimstones.” With funds drying up, Fred Sr. hatches a scheme to fund more protests of soldier funerals by getting his grandkids to perform on America’s Got Talent. The band practices variations on Beatles songs including “All You Need is Hate”, “A Gay in the Life” and “Hey Jew”. Tensions mount and tempers flare as the competition nears. Shirley gets into a heated backstage argument with judge Howie Mandel, until they find common ground in their mutual love for Gotye. Special appearance by Burt Bacharach.

Episode 7: “God Hates Pugs.” Do all dogs go to heaven, or do some go to hell? Shirley brings home a new addition to the Phelps family, a cute little pug named Kikey. At first the family is enamored with the sweet pup, until they notice the gender of the legs Kikey likes to hump. A butt-sniffing mishap with Fred Jr. is the last straw, and a family meeting is convened to decide poor Kikey’s fate. Meanwhile, the kids hatch a scheme to retrieve a lost frisbee from their neighbor’s backyard.

Episode 8: “Letting Out the Bible Belt.”  Time again for the annual Phelps Family Burn-In-Hell Barbecue, members reveling in the chance to place their meat in between some hot buns. But plans for the cookout get thrown into chaos when, in the middle of the festivities, one family member comes out as vegan. Betty’s increasingly desperate attempts to lose weight before next weekend’s WBC protest of the Holocaust Memorial ends in a re-creation of the pea soup scene from The Exorcist.

Episode 9: “Fifty Shades of Gay.” Shirley is concerned about the dedication of some of the WBC members to the cause, and holds a “hatervention” to confront Timothy and Rebekah’s alleged lack of passion at recent protests. Rachel becomes jealous of Elizabeth’s book deal, ending in a saucy cat fight in the church sanctuary. The grandkids raise funds for future protests by selling tasty beverages on the street corner at their “haterade” stand.

Episode 10: “Standoff at the O-KKK Corral.” Shirley and Margie have a Twitter flame war over whether a recent deadly tsunami that resulted in the deaths of thousands was God’s retribution for America’s acceptance of Mormonism or for the renewal of Glee for a 4th season. Fred Sr. gets beaten up by both the New Black Panther Party and the KKK at a protest of the Captain America movie. In the meantime, Rachel searches far and wide for the most flammable American flag.

——————-

Previous episodes available for streaming. Or but the DVD of Season 1, and burn a copy for your friends before they burn in hell!

The Comedy Central Roast of the United States of America

This roast takes place in a special roast-dimension outside time and space just to the left of the event horizon of a blackhole, and  previously unknown until the recent discovery of the Higgs Boson particle. 

On the dais are Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Lindsay Lohan, Abe Lincoln, Andy Dick, JFK, Susan B. Anthony, Joan Rivers, and other assorted celebrities and figures from America’s illustrious history.

—————————-

[Mark strides to the podium with all the cocky swagger of a successful reality star with a freshly released internet sex tape.]

Mark:

“Good evening! I’m Mark Reiley, and it is an honor to serve as your roastmaster for tonight’s festivities! Tonight we’re here to roast a true legend of history. America. One of the greatest nations in the history of history. Nobody has dominated the world like this since Alexander the Great told Persia to bend over and take it like a Greek. And make no mistake, America has taken advantage of its fame and fortune. America has had its hand in more honeypots than Winnie the Pooh on ecstasy.

Everyone on this stage tonight has their work cut out for them. I mean, how can you roast America when everything in the country is already deep-fried? Forget an iron fist, America, you rule the world with an iron beer gut. You’re the land of the free, home of the depraved. U.S.A. stands for U Suck Ass.

You’re loud, obnoxious, abusive, and everyone hates you behind your back. But you make a lot of money so we kiss your ass. You’re the Michael Bay of sovereign nations.

Seriously, nobody likes you. Everyone inside your borders are full of themselves. You have more dicks in you than Sasha Grey at a gangbang. You put the ‘dumb’ in freedom. The Founding Fathers called: they want a paternity test.

[Mark indicates the dais]

And here they are, the Founding Phonies. Look at this dais. What a bunch of losers. This isn’t a who’s who of American History, it’s a who gives a shit?

I’ve seen more important figures on the bank statements of Occupy Wall Street protesters.  I’d call all of you washed up, but that would be an insult to the washed up. Jesus Christ, if this roast was any whiter, it’d be transparent. There’s more white meat on this stage than at the kid’s table at Thanksgiving dinner. You guys are so white, it’s like a shootout at the O-KKK Corral. You’re a bunch of albinos in powdered wigs. You make Casper the Friendly Ghost look like Djimoun Hounsou for Fuck’s sake.

And look, there’s Honest Abe Lincoln. Hi Abe! Hey Abe: Slash called, he wants his hat back. Man, you need this roast like you need a hole in the head. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Kennedy had the same problem, didn’t you Jack-o? But Jack is a player. Whether it was ladies or trips to Dallas, you’re always getting into trouble on those “grassy knolls.”

At least you got to use the ol’ JFKY-jelly on Marilyn Monroe. Abe was never so lucky. But Marilyn’s not your type, is she Abe? Didn’t General Grant get his promotion after laying a few Lincoln Logs? More like four score and seven beards ago, right Mary Todd?

And why are you trying out for America’s Next Top Model, Abe? Eat something already. Are you about to give the Emaciation Proclamation? Taft thinks you’re an after dinner mint. Don’t worry, Taft’s not here, he couldn’t make it. He’s still stuck in the White House tub.

Speaking of fat fucks, there’s Ben Franklin. How are you, Big Ben? Did you think Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty, or give me cake”? Ben’s actually a member of the Incontinental Congress. Ben has invented some wonderful things over the years: bifocals, the lightning rod, the pussy magnet. How else can you explain his popularity with the ladies? You may be a Founding Father, but all the ladies call you their ‘Founding Daddy’. You’ve gotten more booty than Jean Laffite, you bald, fat fuck.

I kid. We love you, Ben. We put your face on the hundred dollar bill so you can smile up at us every time we snort cocaine off a hooker’s ass. Speaking of asses, there’s Susan B. Anthony. From here Susan Be lookin’ like Anthony. Talk about women’s suffrage, what about my suffrage every time I have to look at your face? I kid, I love you, Susie!

Jefferson’s over there laughing like he agrees with me. My man with the original Jungle Fever. You leave Sally Hemmings at Monticello? That’s how it is with slaves. You whip them and they pussy whip you right back.

But enough about these has-beens and never were’s, let’s get back to the guest of dishonor.

America.

Friends, Romans, countrymen…lend America a few trillion bucks because she’s fucking broke. You are so broke, starving African kids are sending you 30 cents a day. If you tried to buy the Louisiana Purchase today, you’d lose to some kid on eBay bidding with his parent’s Discover card. You’re so broke, you’d have to put one of Ben Franklin’s hookers on layaway.

What the hell happened to you?

Your spacious skies replaced with spacious thighs, amber waves of grain replaced with Amber Alerts, your purple mountains drooping down like grandma’s tits at the beach, your fruited plains more shriveled than Larry King’s testicles on a cold winter’s day.

God shit his grace on thee.

Reagan once called you the “Shining City on the Hill.” Now you’re more like the “Shitty bitch from The Hills.” Once upon a time we could come to you, work hard and build a comfortable, middle-class life for our families. But now our only choice is to eat Top Ramen every night and suck on Goldman’s Sack.

Immigrants once flocked here to share in the American Dream. Now, even Mexicans treat you like Lindsay Lohan: instantly full of regret the moment they come inside you.

Your manufacturing industry is decimated. The only thing you’re good at making is more terrorists. And Kardashians…You are good at making Kardashians. If those are the two choices, please focus on the terrorists.

Your infrastructure is crumbling. It could fall apart at any moment, like Joan Rivers’ face. You’ve fallen behind the rest of the world. You’re behind in education, behind in science, behind in technology, behind in industry, behind in life expectancy. Like Charlie Sheen, you’re always coming from behind.

And what’s up with that national anthem? Betsy Ross has queefed better melodies in her sleep. Isn’t that right, Betsy? Ben Franklin should know, he was the one spangling her stars and stripes at the time. Even your racism has gotten lame. You elect a black president and the best the racists can come up with is that he was born in Kenya? Please, that motherfucker hasn’t won a single marathon.

But…all hope is not lost. You’re still first in some very important categories. You’re first in obesity. In guns. YouTube video uploads. YouTube video uploads of the obese shooting guns.

You’ve given us football. But if I want to see 24 sweaty guys jump on top of each other, I’d have gone to Andy Dick’s dressing room before the show. America gave us jazz, apple pie and The Situation. And the Situation gave us chlamydia. Most importantly, if it hadn’t been for America’s heroic acts in World War II, right now everyone in Europe would be uploading shizer videos to YouPorn.

So it’s not all bad.

Sure, you were discovered by a drunk Italian looking for a quicker route to Bollywood. But he found his way here instead, and so every Thanksgiving, we give thanks…that the Native Americans accepted all those syphilis-infected blankets.

I love you, America. Every time I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail in the school computer lab growing up, I cried a little patriotic tear in your honor. Despite all of your substantial, well-documented flaws, you mean the world to me. Even when you put ‘cunt’ in My Country Tis’ of Thee, I still keep a warm place in my ass just for you.

You may be a piece of shit. But you’re my piece of shit. From the White House to the Black Hills, from Mount Rushmore to Mr. Belvedere, from Lady Liberty to Lady Gaga, from the Grand Tetons to Pamela Anderson’s tits, from Walmart to the Washington Monument, from sea to shining oil-polluted sea, you’re the best.

You had me at hello. Or as it we’ll all be saying soon, “Usted me tenía en hola.” Long live Los Estados Unidos!

By the way, Rome called. It said, “Enjoy the ride while you can, motherfucker.” Thanks to the audience and everyone on the dais tonight. You’ve all been great sports. I love every last fat, bloated patriotic one of you.

And I love you the most, America. Thanks for being awesome. 

Goodnight, everyone!”

[Mark blows a kiss to America and steps off the dais]
———————

This ends the transmission of the Comedy Central Roast of America, brought to you live, via satellite, from the roast dimension as predicted by super string theory and corroborated by Higgs boson particle.